Q&A: We argue over holiday tipping every year. How can we make sure we’re being fair to each other, and everyone else?
A new reader question on The Joint Account.
QUESTION:
My partner and I always butt heads over holiday tips and gifts. How can we compromise while making sure we’re being fair to those who support us throughout the year?
ANSWER:
When the holiday lights go up, many of us start thinking, “Just how much do I tip my mail carrier? My kid’s music teacher? The hairstylist who finally got my bouffant just right?” (That last one is me.) If you and your partner have differing ideas of what generosity looks like, it can feel like Santa’s running a high-stakes poker game with your wallet.
First off, know that you’re not alone. Every December, couples across the country try to decode holiday tipping etiquette. Before I provide our suggestions, I want to lay out some guiding principles to frame your middle ground. Ultimately, gifting is subjective. That’s right! There isn’t a “correct” dollar amount or gift card denomination that’s going to feel right to everyone. However, keep in mind these three factors to find amounts that are right for you:
1. How long have they been in your life? The longer someone has reliably shown up for you, the more meaningful a token of gratitude becomes. A manicurist who you’ve been with for five years should receive a more significant gift than the waxing specialist you’ve seen twice. Longevity deepens relationships and often warrants a more generous gift.
2. What impact do they have on your family’s day-to-day life? The babysitter who comes through in the clutch. The housekeeper who transforms your cluttered chaos into a spotless sanctuary every week. People who have a tangible impact on your quality of life deserve significant recognition. If their presence, care, or services alleviate your stress or improve your quality of life, factor that into the final figure.
3. What kind of service do they provide? How personal is it? Your postal carrier might not know how you take your coffee, but they show up through rain, snow, and the “Please leave around back!” notes. Your crossing guard keeps your kiddos safe, but your interaction is typically limited. All the while, your hairstylist knows your entire family’s names, your job stressors, and just how to blend those highlights so you look your best in holiday photos. Generally, the more personal the service, the higher you’ll go.
Now, in terms of what to gift, cold-hard cash is never the wrong choice. But if that feels too transactional, Visa, Amex, Amazon, or Target gift cards provide a lot of optionality for larger gifts, while a simple Starbucks or Dunkin’ gift card is a nice gesture for smaller gifts. If you’d like to do more, pair money with a small token of your appreciation, like a reasonable bottle of wine, a travel makeup bag or fanny pack (Heather’s suggestion—not mine!), a chocolate gift set from Trader Joe’s, or even just a craft from the kids.
But I know you’d like some real numbers. Please know, these figures are more starting points than hard guidelines. They vary greatly by region, cultural norms, industry, etc., and you should listen when your instinct tells you to do more for someone special. Nevertheless, let’s do this:
Housekeeper/Cleaner: One-to-two weeks’ pay in cash.
Regular Babysitter/Nanny: One-to-two weeks’ pay and a small personal gift from your family.
Hair Stylist/Barber: Tip double, with a gift, the size of which depends on frequency and complexity of visits.
Personal Trainers/Coaches: The cost of one session or a gift equivalent.
Mail Carrier: Typically, cash isn’t allowed by USPS rules. Instead, you can consider a coffee gift card of around $20.
Your team at work: This is very industry dependent, but if you have team members who really come through for you, consider doing a little something outside the scope of holiday bonuses. Either a gift card or a bottle of wine will do. We can’t really place dollar amounts on these gifts—again, too industry dependent—just do what feels right.
Garbage/Recycling Collectors: $10-$30 each.
Teacher/Tutor: In our experience, many classrooms collect for one large group gift at a suggested amount of $20 per family. We still typically give our own gift card, or an office/desk related gift, along with a heartfelt note.
Building Staff (Doormen, Superintendents): For doormen, anywhere between $20-$100 depending on seniority and helpfulness; the superintendent might see $50-$100. These amounts depend on the size of the building and local norms—some New York City apartments have entire tipping protocols that would make your head spin.
If you and your partner are battling over numbers, sit down together and create a “holiday tipping budget.” Start by creating a list of everyone you want to recognize. Order them by how integral they are to your lives. Once you have your prioritized list, assign tentative amounts. Check in with each other to see what feels too high or too low. Ask yourselves: Would I feel awkward giving this amount in person? Is it too stingy given their contributions? Did they go above and beyond this year? The goal is to land within a range you both feel good about. A personal note or homemade baked good might help you feel better about compromising on the monetary value of the gift due to budget constraints.
Remember, tipping customs vary widely by region. In some big cities (like New York City), holiday tipping is practically law, with everyone from the doorman to the dog groomer having those expectations. Tipping might be less common in other areas, so if you’ve just moved, don’t be shy about asking neighbors or friends what the local norms are. Also, the local message boards can be a trove of advice on these matters.
Remember, holiday tipping is about expressing gratitude. You’re not performing an exact science experiment where the atomic weight of your personal trainer’s kindness must be measured in $10 increments. If you can’t agree on the exact right amount, split the difference. If you truly can’t afford big tips this year, accompany your smaller gift with a warm thank you. Most of the people we tip know the holidays stretch everyone’s budgets thin, so they will appreciate the thought and recognition more than you might realize. In the end, it’s not about reaching a perfect universal standard; it’s about making sure the people who help you all year long feel valued and seen.
Quick! While there’s still time, share with us your holiday gifting ethos and we’ll try to share with TJA community.
Here’s a throwback to one of our famous Boneparth Ugly Sweater Holiday Parties. In 2022, Heather really went for it and turned herself into a multi-cultural Christmas tree, while I became the thing I hate the most: bad coffee, aka Folgers Man. Sadly, our nights of dueling ice luges, kegs, and taco trucks are on pause. Maybe we’ll bring it back next year. Until then, the memories (and hangovers) live forever in our holiday spirit.
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The content shared in The Joint Account does not constitute financial, legal, or any other professional advice. Readers should consult with their respective professionals for specific advice tailored to their situation.