Six financial red flags you can't afford to ignore
And they're not about budgeting!
[A Couple Minutes] Press play to hear a few minutes about our week, financial news, and the inspiration for this week’s newsletter!
This week’s newsletter is sponsored by:
Managing money as a couple can be complicated, but Copilot makes it easier. Their intuitive money tracker app helps you stay on the same page with shared budgets, daily tracking, and smart financial insights. 💑💰 Readers of The Joint Account can claim a two-month free trial with code: JOINT2.
A couple of weeks ago, I drew the ire of the Men of the Internet™ by referring to my husband’s newest hobby as a “red flag.” Mind you, the hobby is making beef jerky in a dehydrating contraption we have no space for, which now lives in the tool room in our basement. Ah, there is nothing I love more than the faint commingling smells of beef and dryer sheets while I’m trying to work. But I am a supportive wife, contrary to the internet’s opinion of me. I was being funny! Some understood that, but others joined forces in a digital tush push of chauvinistic vitriol, the likes of which I have not seen in quite some time.
You, sirs, are the red flags.
I am deep in an editorial ballpit for our forthcoming book; so naturally, my brain sought a connection between all this red flag finger pointing and the red flags I uncovered in spending *checks watch* over a year interviewing real couples about love and their money. I always knew that sometime around now, I would want to start sharing with our newsletter readers some of my takeaways from this massive project. Unlike Doug’s jerky, this feels like an organic place to start.
When people ask me about our couples’ interviews, they want to know the worst.
Aside from a few chilling interactions—which I am setting aside for our purposes today—I tell them, most of whom we observed doing bad things or the wrong things aren’t bad people. They learned their behaviors young or developed them in response to running from their past circumstances. They aren’t deserving of the Red Flag Badge as a referendum on who they are. But I did observe patterns of red flag behavior, which when present, signaled that I’d uncover a conflict over money between that person and their partner.
What I’m saying is, these six red flags are not to be used as GOTCHA moments to pin on anyone. Consider them more like symptoms that have some impact on the overall health of your relationship with money and each other. If you find yourself saying, yup, that’s him, or oh damn, that’s me, there’s probably more for you to be talking about. Oh, and please don’t read into the pronouns. I chose them at random. Let’s get to it.
THE SIX RED FLAGS YOU SHOULDN’T IGNORE:
He’s not accountable.
This isn’t just about doing something or not doing something, like forgetting to pay a bill. People shirk their responsibilities in broad strokes, too. When you’re in a relationship and fail to take ownership over your own financial destiny, your omissions bleed onto the people you love.
What did this look like to us? Projecting your money worries onto your spouse without considering how you can work together to find a solution. Getting deep into business debt without knowing when to call it. Pointing fingers. Borrowing and losing money without a plan to pay it back. Burying your head in the sand over your student loan debt. Leaning on blind faith—and fate—that everything will just work out. (It’s true. Even optimists need a dose of reality sometimes.)
A lack of accountability can plague both ends of the spectrum. If you’re the driving force behind your household finances, but you don’t ever consult with your partner because you don’t value their opinion, then you’re not really accountable to them. On the other hand, if you think it’s cute to not know anything about money and float through life one “girl math” joke at a time, you are neither accountable to your family nor yourself.
It’s never enough for her.
The sickness of “Never Enough” receives a whole chapter in our book. The most obvious behavior of being a Never Enougher is overspending, which could present in the form of perpetual cycles of credit card debt but also can look like failing to meet larger financial goals because you’re always trying to quench your immediate thirsts. Some people wear their materialism like armor, protecting them against the things they like least about themselves. But it doesn’t end there.
You can feel like no amount of income, or professional titles, or social clout will ever be enough. People like this are constantly working, constantly moving, always chasing, because they haven’t identified what will make them feel content with their lives. The issue this brings into relationships is that when nothing ever feels like enough, then eventually, no one ever feels like enough. Your partner starts to feel like they’re becoming one of your moving targets, and nothing they ever say or do will be, well, enough.
He makes mountains out of molehills.
We all make mistakes. Big ones and small ones. Here, I’m referring to the small ones that you probably shouldn’t even call mistakes—they’re more like missteps, minor transgressions that have very limited impact in the grand scheme of your life. Maybe years ago, you lived above your means as a young adult in a new city. Maybe you agreed to some bad financing terms on a new couch. Maybe the misstep wasn’t even within your own control.
How does your partner talk about it? Should they still be talking about it at all?
When you keep harping on the things your spouse has done wrong, especially when you’ve already financially recovered from them, that message serves no purpose other than to erode your partner’s confidence. It makes them believe they’ve got no business having a say in your household finances. It creates shame. If you’re looking for yet another reason why people tap out of their partnerships when it comes to money, look no further: they’ve lost confidence. As their partner, you should ask yourself what role you’ve played in that happening.
She lies.
Maybe we should delete all 30 chapters of our book and just write in big letters:
“Don’t lie. The end.”
Nothing could be more obvious than the fact that lying to your spouse is bad, ‘mmkay? But research shows that for many couples, financial infidelity breaches a partner’s trust just as much as cheating does. Getting just a bit more technical might reveal why. The definition of “financial infidelity” that we use comes from research that defines it as basically, (a) making a financial decision you know your partner would disapprove of, and (b) covering it up. Those are two distinct, separate acts. In the legal world, we focus on intent, and that matters here, too. You can do something wrong and know it’s wrong, but covering it up is the betrayal. That’s what hurts the most.
Even the little white lies I hear about in my day-to-day life, they compound. Lying is a slippery slope. We convince ourselves certain conduct is acceptable, then we get more comfortable, and we go deeper and deeper. Our standards dive lower and lower. Not everyone who lies is a bad person. Some just got in too deep.
He values time wrong.
All time is created equal between two partners. I think most of our issues with equitably dividing labor and honoring the time of caregivers comes from this notion of assigning more value to time that earns. We observed this explicitly and implicitly throughout our interviews. When someone says that he doesn’t have to help out with chores around the house because he’s providing for the family, uh, what do you think she is doing? Caregivers are providers, too! This isn’t limited to a “one-income household” dynamic, either. We observed—hell, we lived—this dynamic when one spouse earns substantially more than the other, and the lower-earning spouse gets stuck with an unfair portion of responsibilities at home. Everyone’s time should be honored, and that’s not something you can prorate based on your respective salaries.
Out in the world, time’s a whole different beast. We observed some people who couldn’t make sense of spending money to earn back their time. Investing in personal services that free up your time to make better use of your time—whether that’s to work on something important to you or spend more time with your family—can be a very strategic choice that pays dividends in your relationship. In this regard, some people really pinch pennies over the wrong things.
She moves too fast.
Does she move fast and break things? Like a bull in a China shop? She wants it and she wants it now? Having zero patience won’t serve you well.
This goes far beyond making impulse purchases. Major life changes often require long-term strategies. Something might be a good idea—a great idea!—and yet, you still shouldn’t do it now. Mostly due to their own anxieties, people tend to view decisions as “yes” or “no” instead of “we will, but not right now.” People find it hard to respect the timeline. And when they can’t respect the timeline, they end up taking on risks they really shouldn’t, or they shut down and miss out on opportunities altogether. Your ability to wait, and maybe even reprioritize to wait some more if circumstances change, is so valuable.
These six red flags are just a few of the circumstances you’ll find in our book that might have you question what you’re doing at home. I can’t wait for you to see them in action through the real couples’ stories you’ll read in Money Together. They’re not reasons to fight—they’re reasons to fight for something better.
Are you or your partner guilty of any red flags? What others can you think of? Let us know.
I’ve always tried my best to keep the Trader Joe’s orchids alive. They’re pretty and inexpensive and just make me feel good—until they die at random, leaving me wondering how and where I went wrong. At one point, I was convinced that our primary bathroom was the only ecosystem that could sustain botanical life in our home. But eventually, I failed there, too.
When our adorable Ruby emerged as a Lego savant just weeks ago, Douglas used this as an opportunity to reconnect with yet another of his many hobbies. Our bathroom now has an orchid that will never die. Who says chivalry is dead?
TJA in the News
It’s been a busy end of February for The Boneparths!
I got to be THAT DISNEY FRIEND for The Purse, sharing my best tips for navigating WDW without losing your minds or your life savings. The post is for paid subscribers, but use this link for a free seven-day trial!
And things got sticky in The Skimm’ Money Newsletter, where I answered a reader question about playing landlord with your lover!
Doug visited CNBC’s World Wide Exchange to discuss tariff threats, investors’ move to safety, and long-term investors should stay the course despite volatility.
Also with CNBC, he discussed how TIPS could be a helpful tool for investors to fight against inflation in their portfolio.
Shameless plugs
Are you a brand or business interested in reaching The Joint Account’s 14,000 subscribers?
Would your organization benefit from having us talk about love and money?
We’d love to hear from you.
And don’t forget, our forthcoming book, Money Together: How to find fairness in your relationship and become an unstoppable financial team, arrives in October 2025. You can pre-order your copy now through Amazon or Barnes & Noble!
Find us on social: @dougboneparth + @averagejoelle :)
The content shared in The Joint Account does not constitute financial, legal, or any other professional advice. Readers should consult with their respective professionals for specific advice tailored to their situation.