Q&A: I've tried everything to get my wife more involved with our finances. How can I get her to the table?

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QUESTION: I've tried everything to get my wife more involved in our finances, but she’s not interested. I mean, truly not interested at all. How can I get her to talk money with me?

ANSWER:

People who read our newsletter might find this hard to believe, but I see it all the time in practice. Yes. Still. In 2025.

At Bone Fide Wealth, I try to set the expectation that both partners should attend our regular meetings, but it doesn’t always happen. Some chalk it up to being too busy. Others stand by some version of “that’s not the way we divide responsibilities in our home.” Others are just like you: they really want their spouse to show up but are met with resistance. I understand how frustrating this can feel. I’ve also seen the consequences play out in some very bad scenarios that I want my clients and people I care about to avoid.

If you really approach her all the time about this and still aren’t getting anywhere, you need to shift gears. Persistence is a great tool, but maybe you’re speaking the wrong language. You want to tap into what interests and incentivizes her rather than what’s concerning you. Let me offer you some strategies to move the conversation forward.

One thing I learned from working with Heather is that she doesn’t want our finances to just feel like another burden placed upon her shoulders. She already does so much of what I see and don’t see (we’ve worked on making her mental load more visible, but more on that another day). Some women who are overloaded with other responsibilities turn away from the household finances, because that’s the only bucket of household tasks they don’t feel responsible for. So, ask yourself first: is there more you can do to share in the household labor, which could free up her time to share this responsibility with you?

Putting division of labor aside, not every conversation about personal finance needs to feel like a chore or a task; in fact, they shouldn’t. Try setting the scene for a relaxing, casual discussion about a positive goal she’s looking forward to meeting. When the day’s obligations are over, pour some wine and try the approach of saying, “Hey, let’s talk about that winter break vacation you want to plan and what we can to do to pay for it.” Trust me, the approach works. A 2024 piece from Kiplinger suggests that money dates in a relaxed setting can shift the vibe from stressful to collaborative. The article highlights how couples who review finances together in a low-pressure way—like over dinner or drinks—align on their goals better.

To this point, starting with the numbers might drive her away if she’s either feeling out of practice or has some other reason why she’s unwilling to get involved. Find out that reason. A survey conducted by Talker Research found 32 percent of Americans are uncomfortable discussing finances in their relationship. This is why we start our book with talking about our personal money stories and why they matter. Did her parents fight about cash all the time as a kid? What’s the wildest thing she’s ever spent money on? There’s lots of avenues you can take with this, and regardless of which you choose, you’re connecting emotionally and bringing the guardrails down, making it more comfortable for her to communicate about money. Get used to doing this—don’t worry about the numbers until you do.

Storytelling sidesteps discomfort by building trust. See, a lot of this work is self-work first, but it doesn’t need to feel like it. You stand to learn a lot about each other’s current behaviors through learning about your past. Her life experience could easily explain to both you and her why she feels the way she feels, and you can use those stories to shape a plan that works for you both. Suddenly, everything will feel less like “you need to” and more like “we could.”

Your wife has a lot to gain personally by engaging on your household finances, but let’s not pretend this is just about motivation, empowerment, independence, etc. It’s not just about her. It’s about you, your family, and anyone in your life that loves you or relies on you.

I don’t like using worst-case scenarios to motivate people to care about their finances, but I do need to ask: Would your wife know what to do if something happened to you? Does she have access to all of the accounts? I am telling you, I have seen spouses unravel under the most devastating circumstances. If you have a financial advisor, he or she will be there to help. But an emergency is not the first time anyone should be getting a crash course on what to do. No one deserves that, and it’s completely avoidable. She needs to know this.

Putting all the financial decisions on your shoulders is unfair to you, too. When one partner has to manage every bill, every investment, every “what if,” it’s like having to play every single position in a team sport. Yes, just like she might feel about the household labor, which is why I started there and ended here: neither of you should feel alone in your responsibilities. Even if you own certain tasks, you need to be able to weigh in, pinch hit, step up (sorry for the baseball analogies, it just sort of happened).

To handle all of your money decisions alone is isolating and exhausting. It breeds resentment and creates divides in your partnership where they shouldn’t exist. Sharing this load doesn’t mean she has to crunch the numbers or even handle the day-to-day financial management. It’s about her knowing enough to become your teammate. You deserve that balance as much as she does.

Here’s the bottom line: pushing harder to talk money on your terms alone won’t work if she’s already shutting you out. Instead, meet her where she’s at. Make it fun, personal, and meaningful. Heather and I had our share of challenges, but by weaving money into our lives instead of forcing it, we transformed our relationship with money and each other.

How do you talk about money with your spouse? Were you always both involved, or did you have some sort of breakthrough? Let us know.

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Our little girl turned 6 last week, and we celebrated by throwing her a “beachside spa” party at the art studio where she takes classes. The theme was kind of ridiculous but panned out well. There was bath salt art, make your own body scrub, and of course, aromatherapy ocean slime - as one does.

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TJA heads to South Beach!

We’re heading to Collins Avenue this Sunday to attend our favorite industry conference, Future Proof (now also in Miami). I will be joining my friend and the Editor-in-Chief of Investopedia, Caleb Silver, on stage to represent millennials in a discussion on generational wealth. If you’re down in the 305 and want to attend the best wealth festival on the East Coast, you can still grab a ticket. See you on the beach.

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The content shared in The Joint Account does not constitute financial, legal, or any other professional advice. Readers should consult with their respective professionals for specific advice tailored to their situation.